by Claire S.
I had come to the realization that something about me was different than the people I admired for the reason that I admired them. I'm constantly watching others, trying to mimic the body positions I find are linked with a sense of spiritual freedom and happiness. It has become an obsession as I grow more aware of the awkwardness of my own body--particularly my face. I am afraid to move because I am afraid to live.
...or vice versa.
I always knew that self-confidence is linked to body posture but over the past two years I have arrived at the same conclusions that are covered in this blog. Because they remained tentative theories pent up in my head, I was never sure if it was a waste of time and if I was crazy to think that making my face relax the way this other girl whose general attitude associated with that expression I admire would create and maintain that same attitude in me--solidifying it into my personality.
While I still believe this to be true, I question it's practicality and the reality of this actually happening for me. I try to maintain these postures and states of intuitive body awareness but am extremely frustrated as I continue to "relapse". There is a dilemma. To have this intuition I have to be constantly thinking about how my body is and to do that I am constantly observing others and trying to collect bits and pieces from their postures to make into my own--essentially creating the self I've always wanted and visualized. However in doing so, I also have to be thinking about how I look to other people because who you are is often defined by who you are to other people. Thus, I am in a cycle of worry about if what I'm emanating is in fact real and perceivable by other people and not my weird mental imagination.
The link between my face and my self.
As you essentially said, the face is the window into the soul. For me, I believe that my face does not reflect who I am. As a result of not connecting to it, I have a difficult time expressing emotions and am often mis-read. I therefore have been suppressing emotions fiercely and unconsciously so much throughout the day I don't even think of it as suppression anymore but what life just is. I am afraid to move my face to the emotions I really feel because as a result of this lifetime of hiding emotion, it has evolved into something that is foreign to me and therefore if I allow it to relax, I find it ugly, fat, and not me. My hope is that by gaining the confidence to express my range of emotions my face (and body) will eventually settle into what it's supposed to be. I will be confident, I will be beautiful, and I will be me,
I believe in what you write about but am defeated/frustrated that it can ever become a reality for me--that I can ever become what I truly am and truly want to be--my full potential--confident and not afraid and channeling the essences I know exist. That is my story---as of now.
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