Just Keep Feeling
by Everlasting Me/Sentient Being
I was reflecting on oh so many things and indeed how this computer does keep one in a perpetual open/dazed state. What am I doing filling my mind with all these topics over and over again. Going to bed dreaming of Masons and bull crap. What substantial good has it done me? I've become addicted to crap, playing right into "The Borg Agenda."
So I decided to bring myself back to full consciousness by staying off of the computer and just saturating myself with my own thoughts. I kept hearing the words from YOUTUBE: Lenon Honor's "The Borg Agenda" - "Resistance Is Futile". I thought oh no, it's absolutely necessary.
Wake up SB. This ain't no joke. It's like a wickedness ever so subtly sucking up souls.
I've been going through the process of clearing out a mountain of suppressed emotions and have been feeling the feelings and releasing it through crying it out. Yesterday, for some reason the word "Remember" came to mind and I just kept telling myself this over and over again. Sure enough, memories that I never even thought existed came to the surface and I purged and purged. Friends called and I thought no way. For the next 3 weeks, I'm going to stay focused on just me and my feelings/desires/thoughts. I'm thinking clearer and my desire and inner strength is being felt once again. Even if it's ever so subtle.
This morning I got up once again in pain, yet I cleaned up spic and span and was going for more gold. Surprisingly, quite easily I did 20 minutes of Yoga. I released some more suppressed emotions and came upon a block where I couldn't cry. I raced through the memories I had uncovered and still no tears a coming. However, that big ball of emotions/rage was still weighing me down in my tummy and I felt frustrated, thinking how will I ever get it out, will I ever feel love and happiness again and indeed that is what I wanted to feel.
I couldn't move the emotions, so I thought maybe if I lay down I might fall asleep and get lucid and hopefully thoroughly heal while in that state, or hidden pain would surface and I could clear another layer.
I laid down and kept repeating "Remember". Indeed the pain started to be felt, this time saturating every fiber of my being. I could hardly breath, but I had been through this a few times before but didn't stick with it. Excruciating pain. But I remembered reading somewhere, do not move, don't fall asleep, stay conscious, don't think, just feel. Oh it was horror. Surely I was getting off the planet now. It kept going, all the self hate and beatings of a lifetime being felt. I wanted to get up and run.
Where was I going to run to? Over to a friends to put on a false face while holding down the emotions, like ever other soul on the planet? No. Stay with it , it will change. Whenever the pain gets like you can't take any more, that means you're ever so close to relief. So I stayed, every fiber of my being, burning, hurting, searing pain. (Wow, this is what I've been suppressing over a lifetime? No wonder there's been so many horrific experiences, I've created. It's a wonder I'm still alive, it's a wonder anyone is still alive.) Eventually after what felt like a lifetime, I began to breathe a little more, a little more and then indeed the pain changed/transformed. I could breathe and my body felt good. Ahhhh, I felt better about myself, finally, success.
Imagine had I given up, I would have walked around for more days, months, years? with the discomfort. They say once it is processed, it is gone forever. So good riddance to that bit. I didn't time it, but I think it must have been about 45-60 minutes, maybe less, of just feeling, no thinking. Well worth it.
So then, I rolled over and still felt pain in my right knee. So I thought hey, I'll just go through the process for this pain. I felt good and strong and in control. So I tried to stay focus, yet I fell asleep.
I can't quite recall now how the dream began, but I and a group of comrades??? were being chased in a dark tunnel. We came upon a big garage like door. I recall thinking, I know this door, but it's changed and there's no way out. Then you know how dreams are. I could see a window in the huge door and there were people coming in with big swords and I thought oh no. I ran back to see another way out, however, I met up with them coming in an entrance. I tried to pretend I was not against them? as they were going to fight the ones we were fighting. I turned around and saw all these opulent pieces of furniture, the type I like, but they were broken and poorly stacked together. I thought I still could take a few of these pieces for my bedroom. Ah Helllooooo, I'm in the middle of a fearful situation and I'm still thinking about opulence?
All of a sudden there was this guy behind me, I think from the enemy camp and he was being very sexually forward. He told me to go to the bedroom he would be joining me there soon. I felt very frightened, thinking/knowing he was going to treat me very well. So I with my other comrades/partners pretended to go up the hall, all the while looking for an escape route.
All of a sudden I saw a window to the left and two of us made our way there. I jumped up on the ledge to jump through the window. All of a sudden I looked to my right to see my partner had changed into a beautiful brown bird, the size of maybe a pigeon and flew out. I thought yeah, great idea.
As I jumped, I began to get lucid and I imagined I was flying downward to a soft landing. Upon landing I became fully lucid. I thought wow, yes, I'm dreaming. The surroundings were dark and there was an opening through a huge castle like stone wall. I thought, do I want to continue with this? No. I remembered what I wanted to accomplish while lucid, but I also felt a slight pang of pain, then I also felt oh so so happy and I wanted to have big fun. So I did a back flip, like the gymnasts do. Upon one complete flip I landed upright, but began to loose lucidity. I thought oh no, and I began to rub my hands together.
Sure enough. The dream continued/changed to where I was on top of a hill? The sun was shining gloriously and I was intent on staying lucid. I began to run with joy, still thinking to remember to stay in the dream. All of a sudden I saw Carol Burnett and I said "Hi Carol". Then I turned to my left and I saw Lucille Ball and said "Hi Lucy". I was happy and then did a cartwheel down the hill. As I glanced back up the hill, I began to loose lucidity. I then began furiously rubbing my hands together all to no avail. Duh??? Carol and Lucy? Oh what a joke. Why? I know I do love Carol Burnett and my brother loved Lucille Ball. But hey? I've got more important things to do in the lucid realm!!!! Again, I didn't stay aware enough to ask these characters what they were doing in my dreams and what they meant. However I did have a beautiful regular dream the night before about a brother I was having harsh feelings with. Arrrrrgggghhhh.
But hey, I'm still oh so thankful, at least I learned from this experience and with enough time focusing on just my thoughts and my life, I will indeed perfect lucid dreaming.
Oh so so much more I want to touch on, but then, I guess that's for me to really think about, until I can properly articulate what I'm feeling.
Wow only in two days. I feel happy. Now. I am going to remember the next time I become lucid, the very first thing I must do, is be still and feel great joy through every fiber of my being first, before cavorting around, dare I say mindlessly? Oh but, as many of you well know. The joy, the thrill, the absolute magnificent ecstasy of lucidity is something that just begs for tasting ever so deeply as soon as one touches it.
Hopefully I'll have something perhaps a little more meaningful? or I'll create something while in that realm to manifest in waking reality. After all, I do oh so desire to be the 1st to do it, but I truly don't mind if one of you's beats me to it.
All I can say, is stick with it everyone. I will check back in soon, or even sooner to post another beautiful experience and to read of everyone's lucid dreams.
My Love To All
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