Walking the Edge ~ Neither Insider or Outsider

Ever feel like you are walking the edge? Here is my story...

“When we walk to the edge of all the light we have and take a step into the darkness of the unknown, we must believe that one of two things will happen. There will be something solid for us to stand on or we will be taught to fly.” ~ Patrick Overton

How am I walking the edge you ask? Where/How to begin....?

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As I write this I just received the news that I was not accepted into a spiritual formation school to which I had applied. While I knew in my heart that this was not the right school for me, the news still stung. 

Seems like most of my life has been walking the edge anyway. Never feeling like I truly belong anywhere. Always the Rebel. Neither insider or outsider.

None of this means that I don't long to be an insider. It just seems like I am not able to. I am forever called to be walking on the edge of worlds.

As I go deeper into my middle age, I long to be part of a group, a community.  I remember I felt like this as a teenager. Even though I was a member of many groups, I never felt like I belonged. Always walking on the edge of something.  I never knew what. But I knew that I was not an insider, yet not quite an outsider.

Then I grew into an adult, life became busy, and I was always seeking new experiences. I was productive and felt powerful and satisfied. Belonging never really occurred to me. Even though I was still a member of many groups. 

Over time my groups changed and evolved. Or was it I that changed and evolved? Now, I feel like a teenager again. Nowhere to belong. Neither an insider nor an outsider.

A Personal Retreat

Today I drove the distance to my refuge in Southern Colorado. Just me and my dog. It is winter. It will snow tonight, the weatherman says. I bring lots of firewood to the porch to stay dry, so I can hunker down by the fire. And process this new information. Realizing the edge is starring me in the face, yet again. 

The weather the next day reflects my somber mood. It is as if God hears me crying.  Sure enough, it snows.....

Snowing on CliffSitting by the fire, this was my view of the snow, out the window.

Yes, once again I find myself walking the edge. The edge is me. I thought a new spirituality group through this school would bring me a new direction, and mostly, a belonging. It was not my destiny. 

My true heart sings, because I know that what is, is as it should be. I knew it all along. I sensed that I was not going to be accepted. I just didn't want to believe it or hear it. I was born a Rebel, and a Rebel I will die. It is my Sacred Contract. 

My Rebel questions everything. No group is large enough or wide enough to contain my Rebel and it's seeking. This pattern repeats in me, over and over in my life. Neither an insider or an outsider. An Edge Walker.

My Rebel IS me and asks that I walk the edge. In doing so, I am able to help others walk their edge. My rebel in me, will speak to those who also need to walk to their edge.

I feel newly ignited. I guess I had a purpose all along.

How will my future look now? I see. Yes, I see that I am able to see nothing at all. I am OK with that. I surround myself in the Cloud of Unknowing. That Cloud contains infinite possibilities. I believe in this.

My destiny is to hold that Cloud. At least for now. As long as need be. Holding the tension, holding the unknown. Neither an insider, nor an outsider. Walking the edge... again.

The next day is glorious. The sun comes out. My Spirit is lifted. What a difference a day makes!

Sangres in WinterSangre de Cristo Mountain Range, seen from my deck.

Some may ask - where is God in all this? I ask myself that often. But I drove to my sanctuary because it is surrounded by trees, mountains, earth and sky.   Here is where God resides for me. Here at the very Nature of it all, is God.  Here is Peace, where I hold the edge. I hold the tension. I hold God.

For Faith demands of me that there indeed is solid ground at the edge.  I will indeed fly at the edge. Holding, Unknowing, Walking at the Edge.  Edge Walker. That is me...

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